Proof that Climate Change is a Hoax

This is a piece of satire not meant to be taken literally.

Alicia Stout, Guest Writer

 The winter season brings with it a variety of vices: biting winds, frostbit fingers, dry skin and ears so cold you can hardly feel them. These fierce, Midwestern winters are a common enemy to all of us. If only there was a solution to this problem, a quick fix to make these temperatures a little less harsh. Maybe a gradual increase in the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere attributed to human negligence is just what we need.

    Nah. The thing about global warming is that it doesn’t exist. Just last month in January of 2019, temperatures in the Midwest reached the lowest ever recorded with numbers ranging from -20 degrees to -40. Chicago is facing what has been deemed “The Polar Vortex” with wind gusts of up to 50 mph. If the planet was supposedly getting warmer, Chicago natives would be in favor of bikinis over beanies this time of year. Midwesterners can all agree that global warming would make this weather tolerable. In fact, even the President agrees:

 Yes, there are scientists who endorse climate change and global warming. But, there are also very influential people on the other side of the debate as well, the most important and my personal favorite being Trisha Paytas. Paytas is a Youtuber, popular for her mukbang videos. In these videos, she sits in front of a camera and eats copious amounts of food and talks about her feelings, sometimes resulting in breakdowns over her Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket. Paytas is a clear example of the type of person we can look to to guide us on pressing issues.

    The only indication of global warming we have seen is the melting of conspiracy theorist Bernie Sanders’ brain. Even if warming was real, I don’t see the problem. The earth will supposedly heat up and sea levels will rise. Great! I have always wanted to live in a warm place by the sea. The wonderful scene of Kansas City now complete with a beach and tropical temperatures? Sign me up!

    As the Vice President of Conservation Club, I strongly affirm that the concept of climate change and global warming is a hoax. Interested in talking more about the environment? Join us in room 504 every other Friday right after school.